


Gray

by Matril



Category: The Autobiography of Jane Eyre
Genre: 2nd person POV, But I wanted to try to give Beth a voice, Depression, Gen, I'm pretty nervous about it to be honest, Mental Illness, My heart just breaks for her, Non-Linear Narrative, Stream of Consciousness, TW: Suicide, This is heavy stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-05-19
Packaged: 2018-01-25 18:13:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,619
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1657796
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Matril/pseuds/Matril
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Beth's train of thoughts and memories as she sinks deeper and deeper into a colorless world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Gray

…and the pain never goes entirely away anymore even with the medication because the uppers and downers just barely balance each other out and you’re in that uneasy place in between where the slightest nudge could permanently upset the equilibrium sending you spiraling into dizzying highs or sickening lows but mostly you’re tired, so tired of this place, these walls and the drab sameness and you’d give anything for a single taste of color…

…his eyes, you think, look a lot like his brother’s but there’s something that sets them apart from Roland’s even though the color is practically identical, something about the perpetual laughter and playfulness that fills them and over time you realize he’s the first rich guy you’ve met who actually knows how to have fun, not the going to my father’s country club and laughing at the help kind of fun, but not partying and getting wasted kind of fun either even though there’s plenty of that, it’s the kind of fun that comes from complete spontaneity and corny jokes and not being afraid of looking like an idiot, a kind of fun you thought didn’t exist because isn’t everyone afraid of looking like an idiot, but not Edward, he doesn’t care…

…you’re good at finding the sharpest, most incisive insults, the kind that cut where it hurts the most and it’s a skill you’ve always been both proud and ashamed of but right now you’re neither, you just need a release for the fire that’s eating you up from the inside, so you hurl out the cruelest, nastiest thing you can find and tell him _I wish it was you who died in that accident instead of your brother_ and maybe a part of you believes it because maybe Roland wouldn’t have missed his own daughter’s birth and maybe Roland wouldn’t have looked at you with that horrible doubt in his face when you were watching Adele, trying with all your might to find that motherly adoration everyone says you’re supposed to have and finding nothing but guilt, and maybe Roland would have stopped you when you decided to leave, but then maybe you’re glad it’s Edward after all because you don’t want to stay and you’re glad he gives you an excuse to hate him even though it’s not really hate, because the fire’s mostly died out now and all that’s left is emptiness…

…sometimes you laugh wildly just to hear something other than silence which brings the nurse running, asking what’s the matter and you just look at her because there are no words to describe everything that’s the matter and finally you just say _It hurts_ and she says _Oh honey I’m so sorry_ which she’s not really because she’s just doing her job and her smile is fake like everything else in this artificial world, but you thank her silently when she falls asleep one night and you finally have the chance to get out, wandering the noiseless hallways, running your hand along the walls, savoring the feel of cold tile beneath your feet until your path takes you to Edward’s room, and it’s not the same room that you used to share and he’s practically a stranger lying there asleep and you wonder if he’s the one who changed or you are, and suddenly you’re scared and angry and shaking him awake until he shouts, flings out his arm and shatters glass and stares at you through eyes still heavy with sleep and you wonder if he even recognizes you or thinks you’re just a dream-phantom, a ghost from another life, so you drift away back down the hall until Grace finds you and takes you back upstairs unresisting…

…in a moment of pettiness you accuse her of having an affair with Edward not because you really believe it but because he spends more time with Grace than with his own wife, and then Grace’s incredulous laughter breaks the tension and then you join in the laughter but yours turns to tears because you miss him so much, miss the carefree playful Edward who filled your life with color only to be replaced with this serious overworked man who’s too tired to even talk when he comes home at night and Grace is a surprisingly sympathetic listener and says she’ll see what she can do to ease up Edward’s schedule but it’s really too late by then because Adele’s about to be born and afterwards the relentless grayness takes up permanent residence in your mind…

…you tell Edward your parents wanted to get rid of the problem but you don’t tell him the rest, that you almost went along with it because it would have been such a simple, tidy end to the panic and fear you’ve been carrying ever since you first stared at that little blue plus sign, but then you remember Edward’s face when he found out, how excited he was and so in love with you like he really believed there wasn’t anything the two of you couldn’t handle as long as you were together and even though you know he’s naïve and maybe an idiot for thinking so, you can’t help getting swept up in his tidal wave of happiness and saying _Yes, let’s have the baby, yes, let’s get married, yes, let’s take on the whole world_ and maybe if you try hard enough all those little doubts and uncertainties will just fade away…

…the face is faintly familiar, like if you look only from the corner of your eye you’ll recognize her, but mostly she’s a stranger and it’s meaningless when Edward softly tells you this is Adele, this solemn person just a few years from womanhood when the Adele you know is a lisping toddler, and you try to smile because you know that’s what they’re hoping for but there’s no life behind it and you think it’s very strange when both of them are acting apologetic when you’re the one who poisoned your brain and abandoned your daughter and husband and ruined everything good in your life…

…it’s possible that Ben really cares about you but it’s hard for you to believe it when you know your parents don’t care and he’s too young to have completely escaped their influence and they don’t know how to care, they only know the dual emotions of pride and disgust so once they stopped being proud of you they could only be disgusted and maybe he tried to hide it when he and Edward found you in the shelter but you saw him wrinkle his nose at the smell and you were a disgusting mess then, there’s no denying that, and now when he comes to visit you see through his smile and know that he’s trying not to gag and one time you have an argument or at least what passes for an argument when you can’t string together enough words for a coherent sentence, and suddenly that fire is scorching your insides again, screaming for release, and there’s blood everywhere, blood and fire and sobbing and you fall to your knees until the darkness comes and this time you welcome the horrible gray numbness because all the feeling you have left is corrosive and it’s better to feel nothing…

…thunder has never bothered you much and now you relish the growling rumbles because they give a voice to the restless feelings you can’t find words for yourself, and when the lights go out and come back on you know it’s time to escape, to roam, to do what you can usually only imagine doing, and everything is open and empty until you find a stranger, a real stranger you’ve never known in any previous life, and you watch her in the darkness and the stillness and listen to her quiet humming until she’s asleep, and you enter her world for just a few eerie moments, oddly lighthearted and carefree, and when you pick up the veil you know it means something but you can’t remember, and even when you put it on it’s just a ghost of a memory, out of reach, so you try to find the answer in the stranger’s face, staring closer and closer until you start to wonder if you’re looking in a mirror, which frightens you so you put out the light and take off the veil and flee…

…all the remaining color has bled out of your life and you’re not the only one, you can see it in Edward when he comes to visit, and he comes to visit a lot more now and tries to smile but he’s never really happy, and not Adele either even on your good days when you can remember something about art and give it to her and you’ve realized that it’s not really pain, this thing that has burrowed into your skin and refused to leave, it’s the grayness, the non-feeling that pervades every inch of your body and brain and soul, the uneasy state of non-being in between uppers and downers…

…Ben comes to see you and he doesn’t blame you for hurting him but you can’t forgive yourself…

…most of the time you’re not sure of the difference between being awake and being asleep and it’s all the same really, an all-encompassing numbness…

…you’ve started stock-pilling your medication, hiding it instead of swallowing it…

…you don’t have a lot of moments of coherence but one time it lasts long enough to write a note…

…and you take out your stockpile and swallow them all at once…

…and for a instant just before everything goes black you see a glorious burst of color…

…and you smile.


End file.
